Let Me Be
by aTotallyUnoriginalUserName
Summary: If I look hard enough into the morning sun, just for a moment, I might think that things didn't turn out the way they did. Rated M for sexual content and themes regarding suicide. (One Shot)


Disclaimer: I, in fact, do not own Evangelion or any of its spin offs.

 **Hang my head  
Drown my fear  
Till you all just disappear**

– **Sound Garden**

 **LET ME BE…**

Walking alone in the streets seems a little too depressing, even for my tastes.

The occasional homeless family or starving kid is broken by loud voices of people talking about the newest trend of fashion.

The bright artificial light of the shopping district make the night day, as I walk out of this part of town.

I don't like it there.

Call me superstitious, but I don't feel safe being stopped by random strangers, either for an autograph or a slap to the face.

I sit quietly on top of a garbage can; listening to the soothing melodies of my songs. The old man, who is seated opposite of me, is looking at me suspiciously.

"I've seen you before, haven't I?" He says with no real malice. I know that would change if I stayed long enough for him to recognize me.

I get up, the old battle wounds hurt as I did. They said the pain would subside after a few months.

It's been two years.

"It's probably just your imagination." I turn around swiftly and head for the sidewalk again, leaving the backstreet behind me.

I press the rewind button on my iPod; my SDAT player didn't survive Third Impact. It's strange even though they are the same songs I listened to before, they feel different somehow.

Oh, well. I'll just add that to the list of thing that are not the same anymore. Misato, Ritsuko and Rei are all just distant memories at this point. Their only reason for existing is to torment me. Not in this physical state, but during the night; when all is silent and the sun gives way to its brethren, the moon and the all mighty stars.

It's no surprise to find that I don't sleep anymore.

Father is as much a parent to me as he is alive right now. I still don't understand him, at least not as much I wanted to. Maybe I was never meant to be loved by him; maybe I could have done something to prevent the end conclusion.

Then again what could have I done. I was never given the chance… Or was I…? Either way I never acted upon any of those things.

Do I regret the past? "Yes."

Do I act for the betterment of the future? "..."

Maya is calling again. I don't know if she is genuinely worried or just calling random people in her drunken stupor. It goes without saying that I am not willing to find out.

Maya... or Ritsuko's pet as Asuka liked to call her. She volunteered to let me stay at her house for a while. That wasn't the case though, as I decided that the new household was good enough for me to stay permanently.

 _Me_. _I_ decided on something. Out of my _own_ volition.

That was new for me back then. In fact, I may say, that it still baffles me that I ever took that initiative in the first place.

Ibuki seemed to be affected by Third Impact more than anyone else. She would wander from bar to bar, wasting money on drinks by the sack. Sometimes she would bring someone home.

Either gender was welcome to her twisted little fuck house. It seemed that every weekend there was a new tool for her to use. Other times, when she was too hangover to go out, she'd ask me to come into the bedroom with her.

Most of the times I would refuse her or threaten to call child services (She probably knew I wouldn't, but I think she didn't try to do anything out of pity.)

Yet there was this one time… This one time…

Asuka had just left to go back to Germany having had enough of Maya's "little quirks".

I was in my room silently listening to the very same iPod. There are few things that made me cry anymore, I've ran out of tears, but I was already at the verge of sobbing.

She came into my room and slipped into the sheets with me… I don't know what happened, what took over the wheel of mind and drove me head first into her embrace.

But something did, because that was far more than just a simple fantasy.

We never talked about it during breakfast the next morning. I don't think we ever will.

I enter the all too familiar train line that loops around the city. The passengers around me either look at me with disgust, amazement or just plain disinterest.

I have my eyes cast downward, finding a particular interest on everyone's shoes.

I try to keep my attention at the next stop, since I don't want to miss my destination.

In a better world maybe, Asuka and I could be together on this train. Perhaps we could have a more normal relationship. Maybe Misato wouldn't have to let me know how much she loves me with a last kiss. The bitter sweet taste of her blood is still lingering in my mouth.

Then again in a better world I wouldn't have to pilot the Eva.

Speaking of the Evangelions, they didn't fare much better. They might as well have been useless pieces of metal during the final confrontation. Not to mention that the government wasn't too thrilled to find that they were in an inaccessible position out in space, along with the lance of Longinus.

The Mass-Produced Evangelions are nothing but stone figures surrounding the disembodied head of Lilith. And yes that abomination is still there, looming its unblinking, blood red eyes over the now destroyed Tokyo-03.

There are no more people on the train anymore. I sit there alone, unmoving.

I wonder what Asuka is up to right now. She has cut any and all connections with us. I think she stopped sending me messages at about the same time I stopped answering them.

The thought of her hating me is more than I can handle, so I settled on being just out of reach, the kind were you believe that if you take the risk the person will answer back your calls but you're not quite sure.

I take the first step forward into the new location, the outskirts of town. There is cliff here, a famous suicide spot. The popularity of it has been increased after the Third Impact.

Sometimes I wonder why I even tried to save these idiots, if they were just gonna off themselves anyways. Oh well, there is no going back now.

I continue walking with the sound of Bach on my ears, filling my head with soft memories. These melodies always brought out the best of me.

I feel my phone vibrate inside my pocket. I take off the headphones letting the sound of the crickets chirping enter my skull. I look at the screen to find one new voice message.

"Shinji where are you?! Please tell me you aren't doing anything stupid. You are the only thing I have left, pleas-"

I close the phone. Why?! Why now, why here?! Why when I'm so close to my goal.

I turn my body to look at the head of Lilith. Its mocking eyes staring, seemingly, straight at me; the sunrise is happening behind it. If one didn't know the implications that the scene had, then it would seem almost beautiful.

There is a flash of brilliance in the air as the familiar outline of a girl appears in my vision for a very brief second. They figure was obscured by the sun, but it clearly filled my eyes with its beauty a moment ago.

That's it, now I know what to do. It's all clear to me now.

…The right thing…

I move to the edge of the cliff and bring my hands up to shoulder length, taking a deep breath I close my eyes and let sunlight wash over me like a shower of rays.

"Shinji." I hear a distant voice. Instantly recognizable, it truly was.

I turn around to look at Maya who was panting like she just finished running marathon.

"Shinji, please don't do this." She tried to say coherently in between long breaths.

"Just come back to the house and we can talk about whatever you want, Okay?" She sounded almost desperate.

I don't talk to her. It would be pointless to prolong the inevitable. Instead I smile at her as tenderly as possible. I can feel warm tears fresh from my eyes rolling down my cheeks.

"I hope you find happiness in your own way, Maya. But let me take this selfish decision just this once."

I turn around to find Rei, looking at me. Smiling. The third time I've ever seen her smile.

She is floating above the chasm in front of me. The blue haired girl leans in to have her lips clash with my own.

I can feel my body give away into liquid the same liquid that has replaced the sea.

And then nothing.

Silence.

Loneliness.

Just me, myself and I.

* * *

 **A/N: Whew, finally done with this.**

 **It is not uncommon for me to drink a lot of Red Bull and go from bus to bus, trying to find something to write about, but Geez this was just stupid. Not only did I drink more than 5 cans, but I basically spend my whole day inside a bus. It was something I will never do again, because you know, it's bad for my health(?)**

 **Anyways, I have no idea if I should continue updating this one. It was sporadic and honestly kind of depressing. I didn't intend it to be this dark, but hey I just go with flow, so whatever plays is game for me.**

 **Leave a review (or just favorite it) if you think I should continue or if you think that this is deserving of more chapters, because I honestly don't know if you guys enjoyed it.**

 **Thank you for taking the time off your life to read my atrocities and Goodbye.**


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